Thinking

So much has happened. I'm tutoring again and I joined the Navigators on campus. The Navigators have mostly been such lovely and humble people and I thank God for them. I finally checked out the new Jurong Point and the college for Martians called N.T.U., and it was such a sweet time of fellowship and nonsense with Mingyan, Joel and Hengyi.

And I want to share my thoughts over the past few months:

Spirit of Excellence
I started this semester with a hypothesis: is school in Singapore really busy, or is it just a matter of perspective? My classes at U of A was the most relaxing ever and I actually enjoyed school for the first time. Sure I had to write lots of essays - ten essays on top of weekly two-page article reflections - and read chapters for a class that was on three times a week, but school was actually fun for the first time. It was just like any other thing you do every day so you enjoy it. For example, I don't spend eight hours a day reading on the mechanics and psychology behind exercise and end up so stressed up when I really hit the stairs.

And after my internship, it became so apparent to me that most of us slog out of fear. We know that quality supersedes quantity, but we fear we'll lose out if our friends study ten hours a day, and we only did six. So we top up the extra four hours by going more in depth. And we fear others will see us as complacent, lazy people if we don't appear to be working all the time. I find this especially so in workplaces where your time is constantly regulated by superiors who secretly check on you. It surely doesn't sound anything like what a believer should do since our worth and Boss is already determined by Jesus Christ (Colossians 3:23-24), but we do it anyway maybe because we're conforming to the world's works = worth principle.

Which is totally unbiblical and illogical, but so mind-blowing to the world. I remember a friend got so offended when another believer friend shared why he did so well in school: "He who trusts in himself is a fool" (Proverbs 28:26a).

So maybe if I didn't overwork myself and idolize school as the (false) determiner of my worth, if I just did what was required of me (workload, critique-ing ideas), I would get school right. I wouldn't be doing it out of fear.

Halfway into the semester, I don't know if what I did was right. But I sure was oblivious of some homework that was due really soon. I still don't know if that was good, but I'm glad God put Ana, Jasmine and Kenneth in my life to show me what it means to be a believer student with the spirit of excellence. They do their work ahead of time, and they're great thinkers. Except that they are so gracious when it comes to accommodating less-motivated students like me...and I think that's the difference between a motivated believer student and a motivated non-believer student. God empowers us through Christ with his Spirit to not be entangled by anything and idolize them.

My average busy-ness has gone up by a notch since fall break ended, and by one more notch since last week. But I'm so amazed that as I strive for excellence in my studies on top of other commitments, God has been so gracious to help me finish homework before deadlines - sometimes a day or two before. I like to think of a semester as some fireworks that ends with a super spectacular release of stress ;) I'm so glad God's putting people around me to help me adjust back to life as a student here.

Jesus in the mess with me
George McBride spoke at the Navigators' about a month ago. Grounding his message on Jesus' washing of the Apostles' feet in John 13, he shared how we can all be in the world, but not of it as long as we dive into the mess with Jesus.

Peter wanted Jesus to clean his hands and head on top of his feet in a fervent desire to share in Jesus' sacred identity, since Jesus said Peter will be part of him otherwise (v8). But Jesus saw that out of the whole body that he already purified, only the feet needed cleaning again. It's our feet that gets dirty when we invest our lives in whom Pious Peter and my previous self would have called the deviants of society. I don't think my old self would have explicitly denied the Gospel to hopeless drunkards and liars who commit sin after sin, but I'd have thought so. After all, I don't want to be in such a dangerous environment that could compromise my own sanctity.

But didn't Jesus already say he would wash my feet when it gets dirty? And my sanctity is not compromised since he'll clean the only part of my person that gets dirty?

Then I was thinking about the horrible times I had when I stayed in a dorm as a freshman. I heard notorious things about that dorm and it was apparently the most notorious of all the dorms. It didn't help that I was staying in the loudest/most notorious block, right next to the stairs that led up to the loudest/most notorious level in that dorm. My bedtime was their 'peak hour' and vice versa, and I tried to fade away into non-existence as the ghost that in that room that always seemed shut. I wanted nothing to do with them because they were such ungodly dudes.

Man I feel so ashamed talking about my misguided opinion on that dorm. I mean, they are such fun and lovely people! For real. I regret not staying in that dorm anymore. And they have so much unsurpassable value in them that Jesus died for them too. It wasn't like I was the only believer in that dorm who was concerned about my relationship with Jesus anyway. If I had Christ in the mess with me, I know Jesus will be so big in all our broken hearts and relentless pursuits of everything else except this true Lover. I know God is doing work in their hearts through other believers in the dorm. He is so good.

Being such a FAIL believer.
Have you ever felt this annoying feeling? You know something is totally right and you should do it, but you don't feel like doing it at all. It's not like I'm still dead in sin and just by nature, expectedly doing all the things that God hates. I have his Spirit in me who gave me new life again and empowers me to break off from this endless cycle of filth and repulsion.

Then I remember 2 Corinthians 7:10, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." It isn't just enough feeling remorse 'metamelomai' but changing my mind 'metanoia' which then changes my actions.

It sure doesn't feel good when I can't do anything no matter how hard I try to tweak my sleep regime so I can spend the first of every day with my Lover. Or try to have sweet fellowship with him, or turn to him when I need help instead of dealing things my way or a friend's way. But instead, I get my head into boys (yeah, boizzz, why why), trying to get work done, try and be noticed on campus. It's like I'm just shouting MEEEEE!!!!! MEEEE!!! ugh.

All this oblivion...I'm OBVIOUSLY forgetting that God is preparing me for something great. He's preparing me for my portion in manifesting the Kingdom. He's preparing me for war against Satan and the world.

But here I am, in Denesh's words, snuggling myself into the seats at the airport terminal and making myself at home, not wanting to board my flight to go home anymore. Sure sounds stupid :(

And I'm so glad God is ever so gracious. Dearest Jon reminded me last night that "warzone is by nature unsettling". In repentance, we need to recognize we can't do anything to turn away from sin. And we're never meant to do it alone, as orphans left in the ditches by a Brother who left in clouds of glory while we suffer here in our flesh and in the world. All I need to do is to ask Jesus to please help me.

Oh dear God, I'm so glad you put SO many godly believers in my life: Jasmine, Limin, Christy, Jon to name a few. Thank you for listening to all our prayers. I don't deserve it at all and I can never pay back your grace.

YOU ARE TOO BEAUTIFULLY WONDERFUL!!!!!

Who among the gods is like you, O LORD? Who is like you— majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?
- Moses, the meekest man on Earth, greater than Gandhi, before his death.