Two things

What I've been learning recently:

I didn't really fear God, though I thought I did.
It is so easy to think it's the big things that matter because it's the major things that matter. But Jesus again reminds me of the perfect standard of holiness that God demands from all believers. Lk. 16:10 "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Fearing God didn't seem much an issue since the Gospel is all the rage now. While being "Gospel-centred" draws us to Jesus as the heart of our lives, our living, our pursuit for holiness, I had singularized its focus on forgiveness and gratuitous justification into the only concern for my life from now on. I had thought that was the only means for Christian hedonism, but I had ignored the many verses in the Bible that call us to fear God if we want Him to be pleased. Also, I had replaced a life-changing pursuit of God for intellectual Christianity: a voracious appetite for reading Christian books and acquiring theology which didn't change my life.

Here's how I didn't fear God: suppressing my conscience and privatizing or culturalizing biblical imperatives. God blesses us with material wealth so that we could use it for His ministry, but in my reluctance to part with fashionable clothes, fancy gadgets and hanging out at unnecessarily expensive restaurants and cafes, I decided to see only some people who live comfortable lives have been called to give. So many human rights and social justice campaigns call for alleviating poverty in different parts of the world - they got one thing right: anyone who does not have to fret over food, shelter and water, but have home phones and cell phones, Internet access, a computer, a decent variety of clothes, access to transportation etc are rich. What we try to do in defense is to deflect God's call for us all who are rich to give to cultural standards of wealth. "Look at him, why don't you ask him to give instead of me? He's richer than I am. I have a Toyota but he drives a Lexus!". If the world is not our home - us being strangers that are in the "contrast society" as Greg Boyd calls it - why use our money as though our home is on earth and we are here to stay?

I can share the many other areas I have allowed myself to remain conformed to the world, but that would take all day and I want to go to bed because something exciting is happening again tomorrow! Also, you might be bored to tears, haha. My point is, it seems to me that deliberately conforming to the world, thereby quelling the Holy Spirit's provocation on one's conscience, is a way of not fearing God. Sin is trivialized: gluttony, chocolate addiction, determining one's life's worth by how updated he is with movies and how many DVDs he bought, scandalizing others, pornography, immodesty and the attraction to immodestly-clad women...sounds so ridiculous but it happens to almost everyone. All fall prey, and with help from the Holy Spirit, believers have the ability and the choice to triumph over the world. Again I recommend Jerry Bridges' Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins we Tolerate (2006). Jerry Bridges is by far the author that has had the greatest influence on my life.

Just in this week, I have experienced shame from confessing sin, fear for my own safety, anguish at folly...my heart was shredded and mutilated. But beyond the pain and shock, I am so thankful that the cross shone so brightly again no amount of tears could blind my eyes from it. Because things are tacky and sensitive, I am praying for wisdom..and when I first came across Prov. 2, things fell in place: wisdom lies in fearing God, and can be attained if you seek God (which sin not repented of bars both the believer and non-believer from).

"and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God...
Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you."
Prov. 2:4-5, 11

Lifelong singlehood is a very viable and desirable possibility.
A few days ago, I've had the chance to talk to a sister whom I think is beautiful before the eyes of God, and she pointed out that the climax of God's creation was the creation of both a man and a woman for companionship, friendship under the institution of marriage. Marriage and romantic love is sacred because God intends for us to see Christ loves the Church, and to the utter and perfect sense that He lowered Himself from heaven to be murdered like a lamb. I don't think many of my experiences of romantic love (infatuations, wondering what it'd be like if I were with A or B, relationships) were God-glorifying, given the measure in 1 Cor. 13, but I do know that romantic love is such a fantastic and unique bond - no other inter-human relationship in the world allows for this special physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy. I have sometimes violated this bond in friendship, especially since it doesn't entail responsibility afterwards. I am so glad because only Jesus is the true Lover of my soul, I can claim the promise of I Jn. 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I can look to the other side of the cross: the victory over shame, guilt and fear. So, I want to stop doing these things, and I know God will give abundant grace to help.

That all being said, I am seeing glimpses of the wonders of lifelong singlehood, not because I fear the possibility of being left on the shelf, but because my passion will be single. 1 Cor. 7:32 "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." If it is the Lord's Will for me to be single, I can be only passionate for Him, pursuing Him with zeal and joy as I get more deeply involved with ministry. The world, and shamefully, many self-professed believers equate physical beauty with romance and marriage like I do: one who falls below the cultural standard of physical attractiveness is somehow deemed less worthy and less expected to be married. If a good-looking person pursues only God through singlehood, this worldly mindset thinks that he must either have been traumatized by some bad relationship, have confused sexual orientation or other reasons that lament a perceived loss of using good looks for the benefit of romance and/or marriage. Now to think of it, this is just so perverted. John says all that is from the world is not from the Father, and vice versa. This worldview debases and distorts singlehood for pursuing God. Oh my goodness.

And so, lifelong singlehood is desirable and exciting. I am glad I have the chance to explore singlehood and serve God and others in the meantime. I want to be very glad if God brings the man whom I will be bonded with for life, and I want to equally rejoice (if not, more) if God calls me to pursue Him zealously, single-heartedly and unwaveringly for life.

Another two and maybe +one things I want to buy when I go home: a bike, the Qur'an, maybe the NIV Study Bible.