There was a point of time during the trip I felt unappreciated and bullied, and that got me doubting the friendship and equality in the community I was in especially during this trip. I wouldn't say that this community is thus nasty - i felt discouraged because I took the criticisms to heart, negating the constructive intention that the critics usually had. Neither would I say too, that this community is actually perfect. As with human nature, we are flawed. But the response that I should have is to recognise these flaws and do my part in changing those that can be alleviated, while accepting those that are immutable because the power of change is beyond my reach. At the end of it all, I can still thank God for the peace, joy and growth that I have gained for Him having given me the vocation of being a chorister of an established group. My experiences in this choir is part of life on this earth, isn't it? That we should persevere while on earth, seeking to glorify God and please Him in what we do (I Corinthians 10:31).
And so I stumbled because I forgot that my ability to sing was from God, perhaps in a more literal sense in my case. I only started singing (of course, you don't count the singing that one does during worship) at a much later stage than most other alumni - when I joined the choir in 2005. Yet God answered my prayer for the gift of singing, giving me the courage to learn difficult pieces even though I was notes-illiterate. So who do I sing for? I got caught up with taking things people said personally, and it boiled down to being self-centred, which is dangerously easy because of the conspicuous, performant nature of singing. I forgot that God always listens, and always looks at my heart, if I'm singing sincerely without conceit, jealousy or self-degradation.
There was another time I stumbled, because I did not trust my close friends enough, and did not empathise with them so much as to understand that they can act differently when in uncomfortable circumstance. I was lacerated inside out, whether to the person's consciousness or oblivion, and the worst thing to do is to respond with self-pity or with anger and jealousy. Lo and behold, I chose that worst thing to do, my heart stolen by the devil away from God yet again. I couldn't stand under this trial to love people who suddenly interacted with me in a way that was frustratingly ambiguous, it became a thorough temptation for me that totally marred my trip. It isn't a pleasant thing at all to recount the specific experiences and things I witnessed even now, but far greater than the sorrow and hopelessness I felt is God's mercy and love. How true it is that God is faithful and did not let me be tempted beyond what I could bear. He provided a way out so that I could stand up under it (from my favourite verse, I Corinthians 10:13) - and this is why I can recount all these and give thanks to Him.
Indeed, 'we do not have a a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.' (Hebrews 4:15-16)
Just when I need Him, He is my all,
Answering when upon Him I call;
Tenderly watching lest I should fall,
Just when I need Him most.
From Just When I Need Him Most, William C Poole (1907)
Here I also want to thank Caleb, Jing Hui, Jing Ping, Krystal and Chin Yuan for soothing my wounds, helping me put aside my sadness when I shouldn't show it, lending me a listening ear, praying with and for me, and pointing to our Heavenly Father whom I had turned my eyes away from when I stumbled. Thank you.
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