Anger

Sometimes I feel really angry.

I'm angry with myself, with my situation, with the kind of family members and relatives I have, with my incapability. And/Or I could be angry at repulsive, stupid, incompetent people that exist at home, in school or in church (I have to accept the fact the world is not perfect in the eyes of the church, so is the church itself). I feel angry because most of the time, my altruistic efforts have been very, very rudely brushed aside by others when they might not be in the position to actually negate my efforts. Or it could be after much trying, I can't seem to learn and improve.

And when I get angry, I either cry and/or pray a lot and a lot about it, or verbally attack the person with ill-meaning words. And sometimes, I want to give that preposterous person a huge shove, a tight slap in the face or a roundhouse so he drops on the floor. I've never done such physically threatening things since I was in primary school, but sometimes when I'm really angry, I just wish altogether that the person never existed.

I don't need to be weaned with spiritual milk. I am mature enough to partake in the Word itself. I know that God says my anger cannot fulfil His righteousness, and that I have sinned when I think of how to harm others, even when the conjured is not realised. Most of the time, I avoid being angry in the first place by taking different perspectives and thinking in the shoes of others. When I get angry, I deal with it properly and with God's Word, I learn to forgive and pray for God to help me and the other party in our weaknesses. But there are times when, at the heat of the moment, I purposely reject all these usual methods and go back to my old self. I think of the other person as being stupid, frustrating, beyond cure and too arrogant for his own good. Sometimes I become arrogant and pretend to be oblivious to the person's presence, other times I just tell him off straight in the face, demeaningly. People say I'm an encouraging sister-in-Christ, but I must admit I am but a weak lamb who is often stupid to choose to disobey the Shepherd's heeds.

But my Heavenly Father, He never rejects me. Time and again, I falter, but He tells me in that small voice, 'My child, I am here'. When I sin, I cover my ears so I could pretend not to hear His call. But when guilt floods my heart, I feel so, so ashamed that I still sin purposely. It is then I acknowledge that small voice. O Lord, please forgive me and help me not commit the mistake again! My Father created me, how would He not know my weaknesses and my passions? He could have just ruled me with His sovereignty, making me conform to all of His Will. Yet, He only made me to be slightly lower than the angels, that I may be rewarded the citizenship of the Heavenly Kingdom. He gives me the ability to choose - this individuality that I enjoy so much from. I am special because I am different, just as everyone is unique.

My Father is patient, kind and loving. He is always faithful and merciful. When I get angry and sin, I don't glorify Him, I know this well. But He is always so willing to receive me back in His arms when I come back like the lost child who cries when she finally finds her father. He never ceases to forgive, so that I can never cease too, to cry, 'Amazing grace that saved an utter wretch like me!'.