Post #100: Good Fight of Faith

Fight the good fight of faith.
Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.
I Timothy 6:12

What is a fight of faith? It is the perseverance of the saint to be 'sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see', as Paul tells us in the Faith Chapter of Hebrews 11. It is the fight of post-salvation faith which, thus, only Christians can engage in. For some, we stumble at times because we fear that we may have believed in the 'wrong religion', because belief, repentance and confession sounds too good to be true, or rather, too easy to get to heaven. For others, we forget that it is God whom we should depend on for strength, help and comfort, like David.

What is a good fight of faith then? What is the yardstick of 'goodness' against which we can compare our own fights of faith to? Some people seem to do it better than others. Look at Jim Eliot, Peter the apostle, John Huss, Wang Ming-dao, Dawson and many other famous missionaries, apostles, martyrs and Christian workers. Their fights of faith have been celebrated and commemorated for decades or centuries, not to mention Peter, whose fight of faith have already been celebrated for over a thousand years!

Then there are some people who definitely fight their fights of faith better than others, people who are Samuels, Gideons, Johns, Rahabs, Lydias, Marys in our contemporary society. They glorify God and edify men, have a thirst for God's righteousness and Truth, are constantly growing in knowledge of the Word and in love, and are fervent stewards and servants for the Heavenly Kingdom. All these are done because they are sure of what they hope for, and are certain of what they do not see. They know they will be saved from the wrath of God's hands when Judgement comes; they know the injustices they suffered will be recompensed by the Judge. As that hymn The Old Rugged Cross goes:

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will sing to the old rugged cross
And exchange it someday for a crown.

These good faith-fighters know that because of Christ's blood, they escape the second death and are freely given a place in the Kingdom that is to come. They will come to God with hands full of the work done for Christ, and they will come with hearts of relief and joy, hoping that God would be very pleased with their stewardship.

What is the yardstick to measure if a fight of faith is good then? I believe the yardstick is always striving to learn and live God's Word and having fellowship with God. God makes it possible for all, whether we be of big or small faiths, to hold on steadfast to the Promise of salvation, thereby living lives that are fixed upon that place in the Lord's Kingdom. God gives us strength and faith to hold on to His Promise, and never imposes on us.

This reminds me of God's covenant with David in II Samuel 7. God had never demanded or even told the leaders of His people to rebuild His tarnished temple, yet David had this heart, this wish to restore God's temple to an even greater glory. And God was pleased, making a covenant with David, that his descendants will always be blessed (Lo, and behold! God chose David's genealogy for Christ!). David had faith in God - that He is the One and Only Living God, and He would fulfill the promise of Canaan made unto His people from old. How could it be that God saw David' fight of faith to be good?

David had personal experiences with God - he had fellowship with Him. He prayed even during the most dangerous and urgent times, for God's help and answer to save the lives of the 600 under him against their Gentile enemies. And we often neglect the power of prayer, as Wayne Mack said in Reaching the Ear of God. When we pray, we are in direct communion with our Father in Heaven - there's no more communion as direct as this. When we falter, we pray. When we are lifted up, we pray. When we are hurt and wounded, we pray. When we are joyful, we still pray. Remember the analogy of the fireplace in John Bunyan's The Pilgrim Progress? Satan, our enemy, fans hard at the fire at the fireplace, trying to extinguish it. But the fire never dies out, even though sometimes it may look as if it is, because just Satan is trying to kill the fire on one end, the Holy Spirit pumps oil into the fire at the other. The more often we come into direct communion with God (ie: through prayer), the more attuned our hearts, minds and lives are to Him. We can not only sustain our fires, but even grow stronger as we grow closer to God.

With the end of the age of prophecy, we have what God wants to tell us in His Word. David loved God's Word - the longest Psalm in the Bible is a re-dedication to love God's Word even more. He lived according to what he deemed God would be pleased with: He killed Goliath because he had blasphemed God's Name (I Samuel 17:26, 45); he did not kill Saul because he had great respect for the 'Lord's anointed' (I Samuel 24:6, 26:9, II Samuel 1:16); he treated Saul's son, Mephibosheth, as his own because he loved Jonathan so much (II Samuel 9:7). And how did he know that God would be pleased with what he did? Did he follow the counsel of men? No, he definitely did not. Because if he did, he would have gone home to his flocks instead of killing Goliath that blasphemer, neither would he have not killed Saul during the two times he really could. He knew God's statutes as stated in the Torah (what was then only available to him)- to put to death the blasphemous, to show mercy unto the pitiful, to obey the ruler because he has been anointed by God to rule in His Name. And look, we have the completed compilation of the Bible! We have multifarious books and commentaries on God's Word and our faith, all in a very comprehensive range (of course, discernment between the truly biblical and nominally biblical books is important). What are we doing with all this precious information that God has ordained His people to publish, to write for our edification? God's Word and biblical literature enlightens and trains us on the attitudes, the tactics, the work that we are to do to fight in this spiritual warfare against Satan and the world, to fight the good fight of faith.

Reflecting upon myself, I wonder how God and the angels in Heaven see my fight of faith on earth. Do I fight well? Do I fight well enough against the want for quick gratification and the harms of the world, instead of putting my treasures in the Heavenly Kingdom I know I have a place in? There are times when I stumble in this fight, sinning against my Lord, but how great and wonderful is He, even more wonderful because He comforts me especially with this verse.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are - yet was without sin.
Hebrews 4:15

And this is why when I stumble or lose courage in this fight of faith on earth, I can 'approach the throne of grace with confidence' (Hebrews 4:16) that my Heavenly Father will, on account of my weakness and repentance, turn His back on my sins and receive me in His arms once more.

Christ has redeemed us 'once for all' (Hebrews 7:27). Not fighting a good fight of faith does not equate to losing our salvation. This is the mysterious wonder of salvation, isn't it? That we are really, really justified by faith, not by works. Our Lord is merciful indeed. Our Lord will praise those who fight good fights of faith, 'Well done, good and faithful servant!'. But for those who have not been faithful stewards, they will face reproach, their world-centred works being singed to ash, with them being snatched from the testing fire. The latter come to our King empty-handed. How shameful would that be! To come to our Saviour, the Creator of Universe, the Judge of the world, the Almighty God, the Heavenly Father and the Giver of Grace...with nothing to see Him!

Father, please help me to be consistent in our fights of faith. Let me not diminish my first love for you when I was saved, but let me constantly grow in truth and love. In this way, I can hold true to the confession made before the Heavens, the Church and the unsaved that I have given myself over to You. When I fall, I mar Your Name. While I herald the ensign of the Heavenly Kingdom, I spit at and defy the commands and the loyalty the Christian soldier ought to have for You. I use Your Name in vain, while still priding myself, ironically, as a Christ-ian; I stumble the weak in faith; I dis-convince the unsaved of the saving power of Christ. So Father, please help me persevere in being a little Christ that glorifies You and edifies men, help me fight a good fight of faith!

My Movies Checklist for Summer

The first time I watched Rent, I fell asleep about half an hour into the film version of it. That's because I couldn't take it! It was a movie marathon. But now, I'm inspired to watch it. Along with:

On Dialects, Pronunciation and Orthography

The Lord's Prayer

Authorised King James Version (1611)

Our Father which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:
For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

Young's Literal Translation (1898)

Our Father who art in the heavens! hallowed be Thy name.
Thy reign come: Thy will come to pass, as in heaven also on the earth.
Our appointed bread give us to-day.
And forgive us our debts, as also we forgive our debtors.
And mayest Thou not lead us to temptation, but deliver us from the evil, because Thine is the reign, and the power, and the glory -- to the ages. Amen.

New American Standardised Bible (1995)

Our Father who is in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.
Your kingdom come. Your will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Bible In Cockney: Well Bits of It, Anyway..., Mike Coles (2001)

Hello, Dad, up there in good ol' heaven, Your name is well great and holy, and we respect you, Guv. We hope we can all 'ave a butcher's [butcher's hook = look] at heaven and be there as soon as possible; and we want to make you happy, Guv, and do what you want 'ere on earth, just like what you do in heaven. Guv, please give us some Uncle Fred [= bread], and enough grub [food] and stuff to keep us going today, and we hope you'll forgive us when we cock things up, just like we're supposed to forgive all them who annoy us and do dodgy [bad] stuff to us. There's a lot of dodgy people around, Guv; please don't let us get tempted to do bad things. Help keep us away from all that nasty, evil stuff, and keep that dodgy Satan away from us, 'cos you're much stronger than 'im. You're the Boss, God, and will be for ever, innit? Cheers, Amen.

Simplifying spelling...

Simplified (Idiolectic) Authorised King James Bible

Auer Father wech artn hehve(r)n, Heloud b Thi neim.
Thi keengdi(r)m kam, Thi wel b danin irth, es idizin hehven.
Geevuz thez dei auer deilee bred.
And forgeevus aure deds, es wee forgeev aure detirs.
And leedus nodeentu temteishn, bat deelevirus from eevl.
For Thinees thi(r) keengdi(r)m, and thi(r) pauer, and thi(r) gloree, ferehvir. Amen.

And..the Cockney version.

Bible In Cockney: Well Bits of It, Anyway..., Mike Coles (2001)

Helou, Dad, ap theren gi(r)d oul' hehven, Yawr neimez weal greidn houlee, and wee respekchyu, Gi(r)f. Wee houp wee kan awlafe bechrz at hehven and b ther asun as pawsebel; and wee wantu meikyu hapee, Gi(r)f, and du wachyu want eeirawn irth, jerz laeek wachyu dueen hehven. Gi(r)f, pleez gevi(r)sam Angki(r)l Fred, and eenav gri(r)b and sti(r)f tu keep as gouweeng tedei, and wee houp yuwi(r)l forgeevas wen wee kawk theengzap, ji(r)z laik weeir si(r)pouztu fi(r)giv all them hu i(r)noee as and du dawdg sti(r)f tu as. Therz a lat uv dawdg peepi(r)l irraund, Gi(r)v; pleez doun leddus get temtid tu du bad theengz. Help keep as i(r)wei from awl that nastee, eevi(r)l sti(r)f, and keep that dawdg Seitn i(r)wei frommus, cawzur mach strawngr thaneem. Yer thi(r) Baws, Gawd, and wil b for evir, eenit? Cheerz, Amen.

Should there be a major revamp to English spelling? Not for me, thanks. Moreover, I can't imagine how the colloquial Singaporean English version would be like!

Reflecting on MacArthur's 'The Truth War'

Close your eyes,
For your eyes will only tell the truth,
And the truth isn't what you want to see,
In the dark it is easy to pretend,
But the truth is what it ought to be.

'The Music of the Night' in Phantom of the Opera

Studying the humanities and social sciences at undergraduate level has made me realise that an essential conceptual basis an undergraduate must grasp is that the world is an illusion. The anthropologists call the manifestations of such illusion 'portrayals', the geographers call them 'geographical imagination' or 'images', the anti-Whorfist linguists and the philosophers call it the betrayal of ousia (essence). The baseline echoes the Phantom's claim, 'The truth isn't what you want to see'.

Rising above academia, it is important for all Christians to know that in our world right now, the seeds of postmodernism have also grown and taken root in the Church. Postmodernist interpretations of our faith naturally implicates the Emerging Church Movement, which according to OpenSourceTheology, is a 'dissatisfaction that has often been explained in terms of a perceived shift in the wider culture from modernism to postmodernism: from objectivism to relativism, from certainty to doubt, from singularity to plurality, from Story to stories'. Christianity Today, a leading magazine for the Emerging Church, explains why postmodernism is embraced (and therefore leading to the Movement) - 'the collapse of inherited metanarratives (overarching explanations of life)' because they are demode, they have concretised our view of God and our faith so much so we are harmed by the 'impossibility of getting outside their assumptions'. Core time-weathered doctrines (which were sometimes at the expense of martyr-blood) that have always been laid out in Reformed faith is under attack, because these core doctrines and basic principles of our faith are seen to have fossilised our understanding of the unfathomable God.

MacArthur repeatedly emphasises the amorphousness of the Emerging Church Movement. It's like Gnosticism in its heydays - there were many different interpretations and opinions that it is hard to lump this plethora into a particular movement. Scot McKnight, being an insider of the Emerging Church Movement, highlights the heterogenous nature of the Movement. He classifies Emerging believers into those who

(1) minister to postmoderns,
(2) work with postmoderns, and
(3) work as postmoderns.

Emerging believers from categories (1) and (2) 'don't deny truth, they don't deny that Jesus Christ is truth, and they don't deny the Bible is truth'.
Those from (3) 'embrace the idea that we cannot know absolute truth, or, at least, that we cannot know truth absolutely'.

Despite the multifarious nature of the Movement, the baseline is 'uncertainty is the new truth' (MacArthur 2007:16-23). It is not the denial of truth itself - Emerging believers do accept the Bible as the true Word of God. The bone of contention is how this truth is interpreted. Because of the emphasis on personal experience and spiritual intimacy with God, along with the postmodernist idiosyncracy to challenge the structured and those in authority, the interpretation of the Bible is seen to be 'intuitive' and personal, as MacArthur explains it on a GraceToYou interview with Phil Johnson. Now this explains why I sometimes find it hard to explain the antithetical, dichotomous nature of the Bible to an Emerging believer. I believe this sentiment is shared by many. The black-and-whites are deliberately transformed into gray areas.

At ministry level, such amorphousness translates into lay church people self-declaring, self-inventing a 'new' Christian faith that has never been discovered because of overpowering metanarratives. Of course, not all Emerging leaders are, but MacArthur writes that there is an increasing entrance of these people 'with strong entrepreneurial skills and weak exegetical skills' who are 'grossly unprepared for ministry'. The strict prerequisites for church leaders, such as being able to 'keep hold of the deep truths of faith' (I Timothy 3:9), are increasingly flouted. Judgment starts from the house of the Lord. Spiritual leaders and teachers have been held accountable by God, such as in God's wrath to the priests during Hosea's time, and will continue to be held so. And this is why I find it weird that speakers invited to give messages during some services I attended end up giving academic lecture akin to coffee-shop talk, or 'How-to's on corporate achievement and the pursuit of worldly pleasure. Sometimes an unconvincing conclusion is made with reference to Bible verses. At other times, the service ironically becomes a man-centred seminar. Is the responsibility of shepherding God's flocks so callously brushed aside in the celebration of human individuality?

I've been thinking to myself though, what's wrong about tailoring to culture? Paul says, 'I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the Gospel' (I Corinthians 9:22-23). Christ also mingled and feasted with the shunned class of people during His time. He spent time interacting with tax collectors, prostitutes and adulterous women and other sinful people so as to save them. If we practice too much biblical separation, aren't we deliberately flouting the Great Commission, to be a salt and light unto the world? We would live in a hermetically sealed world where only Christians exist.

MacArthur expounds on Paul's principles to become 'all things to all men', that it does not entail overriding biblical principles, which teach us to live in the way and glory of God. To become all things to all men, is to avoid stumbling others (MacArthur 2007:167). Putting it into context, Paul had been clarifying the issues of legal persecution among believers, marriage and food offerings to idols - the definition of what is sinful and what is not is based on not wounding the conscience of weaker believers (I Corinthians 8:12). 'He was not saying he adapted the Gospel message' (MacArthur 2007:167), and rightly so. If not, why was he always landing up in trouble and near-death persecution encounters? He did not tailor the Gospel to the people of Athens, nor at Thessalonica, Rome or before King Agrippa. And if we improvise on the Gospel, for example, being purposely oblivious to the necessity of preaching Christ's lordship in evangelism, or by not pointing out our utterly filthy state that desperately calls for repentance, are we doubting the power of the Gospel? Such concerns cannot be ignored if we want to be witnesses for Christ, especially when Christ's lordship and sin seem to be so unpalatable in our postmodernist society that extremely tolerates differences.

Biblical examples have not shown how testifying for God involved compromise on the core doctrines and was still blessed and seen as pleasing in the eyes of our Almighty God. Afterall, culture is always changing, full of its fads in every aspect (fashion, religion, intellectual work...) Tailoring to those who are in the postmodern culture necessarily excludes others. For example, tailoring to the youths means the older generations are not 'tailored' to. And a few generations down the road, youths who once embraced the Emerging Church Movement would be calling it obsolete, because the mentality revolves around the 'global reshaping of how to "do church" in postmodern culture' (MacKnight 2007). There exists a discontent with what is structured.

It is also worthy to highlight some dangers of the Emerging Church Movement.

Condoning homosexuality in the Church, hallmarked by the appointment of an admitted, practicing homosexual as a bishop in America's Episcopal Church in 2006.
Romans 1 says men and women have 'abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men' (v27). This act is deliberate, as contrary to the unconvincing determinist view of 'gay genes in the blood': 'Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.'

The 'repainting' of the Christian faith, such as Joseph Prince's Destined to Reign that claims that Christians don't have to engage in spiritual warfare, and abandoning core doctrines such as substitionary atonement that Steve Chalkes calls 'a cosmic child abuse' by the God of love in The Lost Message of Jesus. At macro-level, it's the embracing of other religions in the Ecumenical Movement that paves way for the Anti-Christ's reign in end times.
When 'repainting' means the embracing of everyone's interpretation of our God, there is no yardstick on what is correct. But Jay Adams points out that the Bible centralises on antithesis:

From the Garden of Eden with its two trees (one allowed, one forbidden) to the eternal destiny of the human being in heaven or in hell, the Bible sets forth two, and only two, ways: God's way, and all others. (in MacArthur 2007:195)

The core doctrines of faith - those that concern our salvation, God's authority and the authority of the Bible - are set out in sheer clarity. John echoes this dichotomy: 'If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.' (I John 2:15) But by questioning the authority of the Bible, these truths are interpreted as not being utterly authoritative, even though they may be presented clearly in antithetical fashion. Revelation thus requires more reliance on personal revelation and intuition that 'the Holy Spirit has said'. What has been made clear is deliberately encoded into mystified human products. Rob Bell says, in another issue of Christianity Today, "The Bible is still in the center for us, but it's a different kind of center. We want to embrace mystery, rather than conquer it."

But God has given us the Holy Spirit so that we may understand God's Word, don't we? Paul explicitly wrote that there is mystery no more.

We speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began...God has revealed it to us by His Spirit.
I Corinthians 1:7, 10

So why encode mystery that has been unravelled, especially when it implicates the emphasis on personal revelation that purposely ignores the absolute authority of God's Word? Moreover, mystifying our faith can stumble believers. Kristen Bell says, "I grew up thinking that we've figured out the Bible, that we knew what it means. Now I have no idea what most of it means. And yet I feel like life is big again—like life used to be black and white, and now it's in color." Hebrews, however, says that a believer matures from spiritual infancy by learning the Word of God, 'who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil' (5:14). The Bereans exercised their knowledge of Scripture daily too. God gives wisdom and spiritual growth to those who adhere to His Word, learning to discern using God's compass. To claim that the study of God's Word - our source of common, explicit revelation, has abruptly become futile is to deny God's promise that we grow closer to Him by knowing more about Him through His Word.

It is easy to create the 'other', as Edward Said says, because of a group's want to reinforce self identity. I'm not from an Emerging church, but I have friends who left non-Emerging churches for Emerging ones because they find they find that the former becomes legalistic. The Emerging churches capitalise on the downs of 'traditional' churches, which attracts what MacArthur calls the 'marginally churched'. The inference here is not how Emerging churches seem to be 'better' because they are not legalistic at all. The July 9, 2006 issue of Los Angeles Times even published an article that said churches that have 'blurred doctrine and softened moral precepts are demographically declining' (in MacArthur 2007:169). What calls for attention is, in order to contend earnestly for our faith (and thus grow in our knowledge of truth), it is natural and also obliging that we grow in love because we know more of truth. Otherwise, the faith is dead. We have the blessed assurance and faith in core doctrines that anchor our faith in the ever-changing world. Do we treasure it like how we treasure God, its master, learning and living it with great care and zeal?

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him"
Ephesians 4:14-15

If you then, being evil

“Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"
Matthew 7:9-11

To: Me

In everything I did, I showed you that by this knd of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus Himself said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive."
Acts 20:35


It must have been an intense emotional struggle for the Ephesian elders when Paul bade them farewell. He expected himself to land up in one life-threatening danger or another when he goes to Jerusalem and he might not see them anymore. The elders all wept, because they must have been intimate with Paul, who instructed them to defend against impending apostasy every day 'with tears' (v31) for three years. I think they would be feeling much anxiety. Although they knew this was part of God's Will, it reminded them again of the evil of the world - it is deliberately brutal to Christ and His people in this spiritual war.

O Lord, Paul's speech was so concerned with Your work nonetheless, that we must help the weak: those who are so in the worldly aspects (intellectually, emotionally, financially, socially and intellectually); and more importantly, those who are weak spiritually (the lukewarm, the stumbled, or the unregenerate that is still dead in transgressions). In the process of helping the weak, we give something, and giving implicates sacrifice. Thank God for His abundant empathy and mercy, for He replenishes with blessings that will far outweigh our giving. After all, 'every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights' (James 1:17).

Paul probably knew about Christ's crucifixion since his persecution of the early church commenced not long after it. He did not have the kind of intimate relationship James, John, Peter and the other apostles enjoyed with Christ. Looking at life after Christ left in the perspective of the Twelve, I believe there exists in them much poignance about Christ and His teachings and miracles before He was crucified. Christ knew His time on earth was not long, but yet the Twelve often stumbled and forgot His teachings to such an extent that Christ exclaimed that they were very dim. (But God is so praiseworthy that He chooses the weak, the lowly, the base to bring to shame the proud, the rich and the exalted, so that no man may boast before Him; I Corinthians 1:26-29) The apostles had to deal with shame, grief and regret for taking Christ for granted while He was on earth. Yet, amidst the great grief and discouragement came the hope that their Rabbi is the true, long awaited Messiah whom they will one day see again. They went back to their fishing livelihood when Christ died, yet this new hope they had gave them strength to evangelise in Europe, Asia and even up to Russia...to the ends of the world, and to proclaim their faith even unto martyrdom, save Judas the traitor and John.

In a way I'm not as privileged as the apostles who truly felt that pang of shame, loss and regret overtaken by wondrous hope and joy altogether. Paul didn't too, yet he was chosen to be the preacher to the Gentiles, received many visions from Christ and had as much strength to undergo multiple times of persecution as the apostles. He did this all realising that all things have become rubbish in the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ (Philippians 3:7-8). So I, too, am placed at where I best live out God's Will. Help me forgive, Lord - 'It is more blessed to give than to receive'. Not everyone is as strong as me in my strengths, and I'm just as weak (if not, more) in my weaknesses. Help me be willing to go an extra mile for the weak, just as many have done it for me though I may not be aware of it sometimes, because it will yield glory to You and make me a blessing to the edification of others.

Anger

Sometimes I feel really angry.

I'm angry with myself, with my situation, with the kind of family members and relatives I have, with my incapability. And/Or I could be angry at repulsive, stupid, incompetent people that exist at home, in school or in church (I have to accept the fact the world is not perfect in the eyes of the church, so is the church itself). I feel angry because most of the time, my altruistic efforts have been very, very rudely brushed aside by others when they might not be in the position to actually negate my efforts. Or it could be after much trying, I can't seem to learn and improve.

And when I get angry, I either cry and/or pray a lot and a lot about it, or verbally attack the person with ill-meaning words. And sometimes, I want to give that preposterous person a huge shove, a tight slap in the face or a roundhouse so he drops on the floor. I've never done such physically threatening things since I was in primary school, but sometimes when I'm really angry, I just wish altogether that the person never existed.

I don't need to be weaned with spiritual milk. I am mature enough to partake in the Word itself. I know that God says my anger cannot fulfil His righteousness, and that I have sinned when I think of how to harm others, even when the conjured is not realised. Most of the time, I avoid being angry in the first place by taking different perspectives and thinking in the shoes of others. When I get angry, I deal with it properly and with God's Word, I learn to forgive and pray for God to help me and the other party in our weaknesses. But there are times when, at the heat of the moment, I purposely reject all these usual methods and go back to my old self. I think of the other person as being stupid, frustrating, beyond cure and too arrogant for his own good. Sometimes I become arrogant and pretend to be oblivious to the person's presence, other times I just tell him off straight in the face, demeaningly. People say I'm an encouraging sister-in-Christ, but I must admit I am but a weak lamb who is often stupid to choose to disobey the Shepherd's heeds.

But my Heavenly Father, He never rejects me. Time and again, I falter, but He tells me in that small voice, 'My child, I am here'. When I sin, I cover my ears so I could pretend not to hear His call. But when guilt floods my heart, I feel so, so ashamed that I still sin purposely. It is then I acknowledge that small voice. O Lord, please forgive me and help me not commit the mistake again! My Father created me, how would He not know my weaknesses and my passions? He could have just ruled me with His sovereignty, making me conform to all of His Will. Yet, He only made me to be slightly lower than the angels, that I may be rewarded the citizenship of the Heavenly Kingdom. He gives me the ability to choose - this individuality that I enjoy so much from. I am special because I am different, just as everyone is unique.

My Father is patient, kind and loving. He is always faithful and merciful. When I get angry and sin, I don't glorify Him, I know this well. But He is always so willing to receive me back in His arms when I come back like the lost child who cries when she finally finds her father. He never ceases to forgive, so that I can never cease too, to cry, 'Amazing grace that saved an utter wretch like me!'.